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It’s a shame that someone has to say this….

Dr. Jen Gunter

I woke up to someone forwarding this tweet:

Yes, some company is selling tiny bags of herbs (they call them pearls) to stuff in the vagina for 3 days to cleanse your uterus or shrink your fibroids or treat bacterial vaginosis or tighten your vagina.

Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 6.44.39 AM

This is not only pointless it could be very dangerous. Here’s why.

Your uterus and vagina wants you to leave them alone

Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra. They want no real help from you unless there is something wrong and they will tell you there is something wrong by bleeding profusely or itching or cramping badly or producing an odor. Don’t blame malaise, or fatigue on your uterus or vagina (unless you are anemic…

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I would love to post a breathtaking inspirational post, summing up the positive aspects of 2015, and encouraging myself to an even better 2016.

But I can’t.

It’s New Year’s Eve. I’m curled up in bed, sick at my stomach. Figures. Typical.

I have so much to be grateful for in this life. Loving, supportive family & friends, a job that values my work and where I get to help people, opportunities to do fun and creative things, and being the mistress of my own universe.

But I can’t get past my overweening pain and grief.

I suppress it, stuff it down with words, food, negative emotions and the general busy-ness of life. That pain frightens me in both its scope and enormity. I deeply fear that if any more than a few tiny tears are shed, that pain and loss will engulf me WHOLE. That I will never emerge from the murky whirlpool that threatens to suck me down, down, down to drown.

I suffer from dis-ease in mind, body and spirit.

On the surface, I function normally. Or normal-ish. But I am tired. A tired that goes beyond a simple fatigue of the body, a weariness of the spirit. A tiredness that sleep nor rest seem to diminish. I go on because….I must.

I’ve spent most of this calendar year physically unwell in some way or another. Every day my dignity is freshly assaulted as my body cannot seem to do what I require of it. And the fact that I don’t take as good care of my body as I should, as I need to, only adds to the frustration I feel.

My spiritual life is in shambles. I still have a daily practice of prayer, but nothing much beyond that. The breathing, thriving spiritual life that I once had has eroded and I cannot seem to find my way back to it. I talk to God, The Universe, The One occasionally but we don’t seem to be on the same page much anymore. (“Look at what’s going on in this world!!”)

As I look ahead, I see my life stretching out, no end in sight, just one day following the next. And so on and so on.

This holiday season has been particularly difficult. It has been made even more so by a new and sour round of grief brought on by unknowingly by family members.

I had a very emotionally upsetting incident last week. I spoke at length to a great friend that I’ve known most of my life in an attempt to gain some clarity, peace and to stop being so full of rage over the incident. Over the course of our conversation, several things became clear to me.

  1. I need to seek grief counseling. I cannot continue to suppress, ignore and downplay the pain of losing my Mother. It is literally crippling me.
  2. I am angry at my Mother. That she left me. That I don’t have her in my life anymore. That I need her more than I ever thought possible AND SHE’S NOT HERE.
  3. I’m deeply, deeply ashamed that I’m angry at my Mother. It’s not her fault that she died. Is it? How can I blame her for something she – nor I – had any control over?
  4. I need to put myself, and my needs, FIRST. Without hesitation, I will jump in the middle of a fire wearing a gasoline suit for the people I love, but won’t do the most basic of things to insure my own wellness.

I found an old quote that I had saved from actress Linda Dano. It’s from 10 years ago in TV Guide, regarding depression:

My life is a pretense. Oh, I still seem like the same old Linda—I laugh, make jokes, keep busy—but I carry around this second skin of deep sorrow that makes me not want to get up in the morning…Sharing is the single thing that can help us all.”

I can sooo relate to that! Except I carry my sorrow right on top of my skin. And it seeps down through my pores to infiltrate my bones. I shuffle through life, literally and figuratively, weighed down by that sorrow.

In the midst of my brokenness and pain, I’ve begun to set in motion things to help myself in 2016. I’m going to start journaling again. I’ve got referrals for the grief counseling. I order my life so that it’s easier to attend to myself first.

Music has never failed to comfort me. It has been my saving grace on so many occasions throughout my life. Tonight I am playing a song on a loop that has been in my head all day. It is a calm and centering balm.

 

I pray you’ll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don’t know

Let this be our prayer when we lose our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe

La luce che tu dai
I pray we’ll find your light
Nel cuore resterà
And hold it in our hearts

A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
Eterna stella sei

Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c’è
When shadows fill our day

Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe

Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace, di fraternità

La forza che ci dià
We ask that life be kind
Il desiderio che
And watch us from above

Ognuno trovi amor
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro se
Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
(Let this be our prayer)
Just like every child
(Just like every child)

Need to find a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe

E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salverà

 

Celine Dion feat Andrea Bocelli – The Prayer

 

Well, well, well. Here we are one week later. I know you were wondering how I fared. *wink*

Did I finish everything? No. I probably could have, but there were other things that I wanted to do more than watch shows. Naps, playing games on my phone, hanging with friends, naps, staring into space, starting new shows all hindered my ability to get my list fully cleared! I did knock a dent in it though!

 

Here’s the Fall 2015 line-up, updated:

Brooklyn Nine-Nine – 2 eps behind

The Flash – 3 eps behind

iZombie – 4 eps behind

SHIELD – 1 ep watched, 4 eps behind

Empire – CAUGHT UP!

Black-ish – 3 eps watched, 1 ep behind

Arrow – 1 ep watched, 4 eps behind

Supernatural – 1 ep watched, 4 eps behind

Vampire Diaries – 4 eps behind

The Originals – 5 eps behind

Sleepy Hollow – 4 eps behind

Grimm – 4 eps behind

 

Of course the time I spent binge-watching 7 eps of Jessica Jones (Love it, though not as much as Daredevil!) could have gone towards knocking out some of these shows, but alas! There’s nothing I like more than a shiny new show, apparently. *wink* But as long as I stay ahead of Hulu’s expiration dates, I think I’ll be okay!

 

 

Yes, it’s been a crazy year. I’ve dropped shows, I’ve added shows, I’ve discovered shows, but I haven’t written about most of it.

And I am sooooooo behind on Fall shows, it’s ridiculous.

 

TV

 

I enjoy my shows. Y’all know I do! But after having 347 shows in the Winter/Spring, it was soooooo nice to have just 3 shows a week this Summer. So nice! So nice that I just kinda…got too busy to watch TV. **gasp**

Between having too many shows (most of which air Tuesday-Thursday), ditching cable (YAAAAASSSSSS!) & having the majority of my shows on Hulu, I just kinda dropped the ball. Then I got busy at work, went on vacation, dog sat for a week, had company at my house, etc. I mean, WHEN was I suppose to watch TV??

So let’s see where we are, shall we?

I discovered the hilarious BoJack Horseman this time last year, thanks to a Twitter buddy’s recommendation, Daredevil (LOVE it), Happy Valley, Grace and Frankie, Girlfriends Guide to Divorce and The Awesomes.

I ditched Castle this Fall. Just…no. (ABC has been annoying the hell outta me for several seasons, Black-ish notwithstanding.) I stopped watching Orphan Black after 1.5 episodes this Spring because between that and Game of Thrones, I was OVER watching women being brutalized. Too much of that shit, too close together. I’m sure I’ll finish S3 of Orphan Black when it becomes available on Amazon in a few months. When I will also watch The Americans!

I had to say goodbye forever to Justified, Mad Men, Constantine, Forever and Hannibal this year.  **sniff**  Justified & Hannibal are included on my “Top 10 TV Shows of All Time” list!

I’ve kept up with Tattoo Nightmares, started S1 of How to Get Away With Murder, kinda-sorta kept up with Real Husbands of Hollywood, have Agent Carter & Archer to look forward to in the new year and Girlfriends Guide to Divorce starts back up next week!

Because of ALL OF THE ABOVE, I swore I would not start any new shows this Fall, even though Scream Queens and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend looked reallllly interesting! And Jessica Jones just started up! *whines*

Here’s the Fall 2015 line-up:

Brooklyn Nine-Nine – 2 eps behind

The Flash – 3 eps behind

iZombie – 4 eps behind

SHIELD – 5 eps behind

Empire – CAUGHT UP!

Black-ish – 4 eps behind

Arrow – 5 eps behind

Supernatural – 5 eps behind

Vampire Diaries – 4 eps behind

The Originals – 5 eps behind

Sleepy Hollow – 4 eps behind

Grimm – 4 eps behind

That’s a lot of damn shows, right? This summer all I had was Teen Wolf, Hannibal & Penny Dreadful. It was lovely. **deep sigh of remembrance**

My objective for the long Thanksgiving holiday weekend? Knock all that shit out. AND start Jessica Jones.

Yup. Feeling smug right now that I can do it. ALL.

smug-smile

 

I’ll holla back this time next week and we’ll see how I did.

 

And what are YOU watching?

 

 

 

Waking Brain Cells

Double Trouble for Anna Hibiscus by Atinuke

Double Trouble for Anna Hibiscus by Atinuke and Lauren Tobia

I’ve been a big fan of Anna Hibiscus since the first titles were released. Those books were chapter books and it’s great to see the transition to picture books about Anna continue. In this book, Anna wakes up one morning to discover that her mother has given birth to two baby brothers. Her cousins inform her that baby boys are trouble and Anna Hibiscus quickly sees that that is true. When she wants to snuggle with her mother, she is sleeping. Her grandmother too is sleeping after being up all night helping with the birth. Her uncle is too busy making food for her mother to get Anna her regular breakfast. Her aunts are busy rocking the babies. Finally, it is too much for Anna Hibiscus to take and she starts to yell and cry. After all that fuss though…

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Powerful. #Truth

Glasnost

Untitled.

When I was six years old, I gave my first blowjob.
“It’s a game”, said He. “Don’t you want to play?”
It was too big, and I threw up on him.
He said I’d do better the next time.

When I was seven years old, I watched a group of fellow second graders cheer as a boy in my class tried to kiss me. He hugged me from behind, giggling all the while.
I threw sand in his eyes, and was sent to the Principal.

When I was eight years old, I had an elderly teacher ask me to stay behind in class. He carried me on his shoulders, and called me pretty.
“Teacher’s Pet!” my friends declared, the envy visible on their faces.
They ignored me at lunch that day.

When I was nine years old, an older girl on the school bus would ask me to lift…

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River Heights Book Review

seize-the-night-9781476783093_hrSEIZE THE NIGHT edited by Christopher Golden
October 2015
Gallery Books

SEIZE THE NIGHT is a terrific collection of short stories featuring more than a few powerhouses in the world of horror. Authors such as Charlaine Harris, Scott Smith, Sherrilyn Kenyon, Kelley Armstrong, Michael Koryta and Dana Cameron all contributed fantastic tales. Shiny happy vampires with fawning girlfriends will not be found within these pages—these authors have reclaimed the true horror of the vampire. In fact, more than a few drew on various types of early mythology to re-imagine the modern vampire, breathing fresh life and perspective into the genre.
Bibliophiles will love the tale “Paper Cuts” by Gary A. Braunbeck. Remember when we burned those vampires years ago? And buried the ashes? Well those ashes grew into thirsty trees, which were eventually cut down to make paper. And now those books are awfully thirsty…

Charlaine Harris’s story “Miss Fondevant” features…

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